Clenched Fists and Gritted Teeth!

“I hate it when my mum shouts down, “YOUR TEA`S READY!”, and I get downstairs, to find it isn’t!”

The words of a young delegate, early twenties, I`d say, sat in my training room.

The room`s laid out `horseshoe` style. It`s relaxed. Twenty-five, mixed gender, middle-aged engineers flank him on either side. He has no escape!

I could hear gasps from the others in the room as he spoke, and it didn`t need Sherlock Holmes to deduce that the loudest, probably came from the mums and dads in the room! An instinctive response to this young whippersnappers’ outrageous remarks!

(Does anyone use the word `whippersnapper` anymore! 😊)    

His words are, of course, his reality, and his response to the question I’ve just asked the group to consider.

 “What are the things which wind you up, irritate you, or make you clench your fists, and grit your teeth?”

I call it the `Triggers` exercise, and, maybe, you’re already thinking about yours!

The exercise, initially done in pairs, has many benefits. The main one is to get people thinking about emotional intelligence, what it is, what it means, and raise awareness of how it impacts on life, inside and outside work. Above all, I want people to recognise the impact it has on their own, and others, wellbeing.

Triggers is designed to spark thinking about the myriad of tiny things that crop up for all of us throughout the day. Stuff that seeps under our skin, gradually grinding us down, consciously, and subconsciously. Tiny gremlins eroding our personal resilience and degrading our mental health if we let them!

 I chose the word Trigger, as a metaphorical reference to pulling the trigger on a gun and the `explosion` and resulting damage which can occur, mentally and / or physically, when `stuff` gets too much for us and boils over.

The term: The straw that breaks the camel’s back; describes it perfectly.

In this blog I`m going share three things with you.

·       The exercise itself, so you can use it for the professional development of your team (it`s a great ice breaker for awaydays too!)

·       A unique way to bring your team together to improve emotional intelligence, promote empathy and improve leadership at every level.

·       Three top tips to stop the `trigger` being pulled!

But for now, we`re back in the room.

My friends, (we`ve known each other for over an hour now, so they`ve moved from the delegate zone to the friend zone 😊) consider the question, privately, in pairs.

They are given five minutes, (short and sweet to create some urgency, and therefore energy for the exercise) before `times up` and they come back together as a group.

Thanked for taking part (I`m always grateful!) and we go round the room to uncover the gold! `I stand next to the flip chart, pen poised, and ready to capture their answers (In the police we always have a flip chart, it`s not considered `proper training` without one, so I`m well within my comfort zone now!)

Nobody`s forced to speak or share what bugs them, but to date, I`ve never had anyone who`s not wanted to share! I don`t know whether it’s a British thing, but Brits are normally quite happy to get things off our chest, and don`t need much of a push to get going!

Anyway, it`s good to talk, so we don`t need an excuse!

I want my delegates to talk and share what all those `things` are. Things from inside or outside work.

 Meanwhile, I watch. Waiting for tell-tale signs that things are bubbling up as they speak. A slight change in their voice, tone, timbre, or inflection. Perhaps the volume goes up a notch, barely recognisable, but I`m listening for it. Perhaps they explode immediately from the off and everyone is left in no doubt about how they feel! Most will be somewhere in between.

We go round the room as I elicit from each, carefully recording their comments on a flip chart for the visual learners, and all the time I`m listening and watching. What can I hear. What can I see. What can I `feel`?

We teach police hostage and crisis negotiators these skills. They will tell you, when trying to get a conversation going with a person `on the bridge` getting ready to jump, they will listen, “with ears, eyes and heart”

Looking for tiny nuances in what the person says which give them something to `hook` into. Alive, and waiting for that one thing, that clue, that `something` that gives them `an in` they can use to steer the conversation the right way, and ultimately, save a life.

These are elite communicators with a learnable, teachable, coachable skill, and the leaders with the highest emotional intelligence, have it in spades. Emotional intelligence threads through every aspect of outstanding communication.

Back in the room!

As well as their use of spoken language, I`m also watching their body language.

If they lean back and fold their arms, are they defensive or hiding something? If they stare incessantly whilst talking, are they telling the truth? Does continually scratching their nose tell me anything? I pay attention to it all.

All these observations feed into my E.I `bank`.

My follow up questions are always the same.

“Are you aware of how your voice and body language change as you speak?” (self-awareness observation).

And for the team, similar; “Did you notice any changes to ( the persons ) language and / or body language?”

It`s all about noticing the stuff right there in front of us. Sometimes hidden in plain sight and waiting to be found, but there for the taking should we choose to notice.  People with good emotional intelligence and the best leaders never miss those opportunities.

Bad driving and dishwashers are the stars of the show!

Every single Safe and Sound course I`ve ever run has driving, or should I say, bad driving, featuring somewhere! Bus drivers who don`t say ` thanks` when we`ve slowed to let them out, middle lane hoggers on the motorway, old people doing `thirty` in a `sixty`, people who “cut me up” “drop litter out of the windows”, “don`t signal at roundabouts”, I`ve heard it all!

Dishwashers not loaded correctly. Bad manners in general. People who vape in places they shouldn’t. People staring at mobile phones whilst walking down the street, oblivious to everyone in front of them. I even had one delegate who becomes so incensed when he sees this, he said, in front of all his colleagues, that he goes out of his way to “let them bump into me so they have to apologise!”. Tapping your feet, slow walkers, people who don`t listen, chewing loudly with your mouth open, traffic jams, rude sales assistants, people who don`t put the lid back on the coffee properly and mums who shout you down when your tea`s not ready!

The list is almost endless, and by now, I imagine you will have your `triggers` front and centre in your mind!

How does this serve you? How do you react when your `trigger` gets pulled? Do you respond well, in a healthy way or do you react badly, even in a way which is damaging to health, relationships or team spirit?

It’s a fun exercise and guaranteed to get people laughing. It benefits individuals on their own personal journey and adds value to team cohesion and company culture because it creates empathy.

It encourages people to think about their ` triggers`- stuff which irritates and seeps under the skin, eroding personal resilience and mental health. It helps teams understand each other better. For leaders, it shines a spotlight on how their language or behaviour `may` change if they’re suddenly confronted with their nemesis.

As Professor Steve Peters told us in his book The Chimp Paradox.

 “No matter what stress we face, there is always a healthy way to respond.”

 I`m going to share three top tips from Safe and Sound training to help you respond well, if your triggers about to be pulled.

1.      Take three deep breaths. Just three. Three deep breaths, immediately starts to calm your body, your physiology, slowing things down and calming your mind. Three, slow, calm, deep breaths. That’s all you need to create enough time to respond well, rather than react badly to whatever is in front of you.

2.      Combine the breathing with a tweak to your thinking and a slight change to your mindset. You choose the thought process which works for you. Examples could be “How important will this be in six months?” “Is this worth my time and energy?” “Is this really a fight I want to take on?” “I`m better than this” “What are the consequences?” One of your own, or one of these. Just one, or maybe a couple. There`s no exact science with this, you choose what works for you.

3.       The final element is self-love! Being aware  of what you’re doing , and celebrating the fact that you’re in control! It`s a positive thought which will serve you well in every aspect of your life, protect your personal resilience build super strong mental health and the perfect way to develop great emotional intelligence!

Three tiny things, combined, to deliver a big outcome.

The final thing to say is that it`s important to practice this. Practice, practice, practice, so that it `kicks in` automatically when you need it most. A pre- emptive strike which will protect you the moment you need it and serve you well, every day of your life.

If you would like to know more about the work, I do to help teams build unbreakable personal resilience and super strong mental health, please visit  www.safeandsoundwellbeing.com 

Thank you for taking the time to read, and please share with someone you know will benefit.

As for my young friend who wasn`t happy with his mum, I think he`s still alive!

Keep well and keep smiling – Russ 😊